HIGMA Pt 2: I almost Canceled my Contract with my Agent after Four Weeks
Aka how my writing went from zero to hero
This is part two to my “How I got my Agent” story. Part one can be read HERE. I’d like to include another disclaimer—my agent and I have a fabulous relationship, and while there’s a lot of red flags here (that we both admit), I would not be the writer I am today without her.
If you remember from part one, my agent signed me off five chapters. That’s it. She did not read my book before slapping down a contract and saying, “I want this writer!” While that sounds magical and ego-boosting, I’m here to tell you it wasn’t. (she wants me to add that she DID ask for my synopsis. It didn’t FEEL THE SAME AS READING MY BOOK, CATHERINE)
You’ll also remember I had to do two rounds of “edit tests” on those first five chapters to eliminate all instances of passive voice, telling, crutch words, and other mistakes. I was riddled with anxiety she’d hate the ending of my book (which can be divisive), and I’d be up a creek without a paddle. Even though she did read my synopsis, my anxiety still said she’d hate it.
However, October 1, 2023, I signed a contract with Cathie Hedrick-Armstrong agreeing she would be my agent for my first contemporary romance titled MUST LOVE GOATS (about a young news producer exiled from her career after false accusations of sleeping her way to the top who hides at a farm in the sticks of Tennessee and tries to avoid the hot, grumpy farmhand she’s dubbed “barn troll”). After the ink dried, I had to get to work editing the rest of the book to her “unattainable editorial expectations”---that’s a joke.
So, I busted my butt from October 1 to November 1 editing every chapter of my 90k word book. I took out all the summaries, erased every passive sentence and rewrote it, and fixed all the stupid dialogue tags I’d messed up—in between T-ball games, Halloween, keeping two children alive and running a photography business on the side.
Now, remember, her last email said to me, verbatim:
“Where before there were things that took me out of the story, this time I read through like it was an already published novel, finding only a couple of tiny things I would suggest changing…and then those issues were so minor they weren’t even worth highlighting.”
SO MINOR, THEY WEREN’T EVEN WORTH HIGHLIGHTING. Remember that phrase. I edited the rest of the book the same way I had those first five chapters, and sent it away November 1. My anxiety was at an all time high.
If I’m honest, I mourned not having that tingly, exciting, omg-pinch-me offer period. While to her credit, Cathie did give me compliments, all I could focus on was the mistakes I made–the way my book didn’t measure up, or the way my writing wasn’t up to par. I wanted the moment where she read my book in its entirety, not stopping after 3-5 chapters, and gushed about it.
You know, that magical moment all agented authors get.
I had full “Disney-fied” that moment in my head, making it out to be an illustrious happy ever after (romance author here, can you tell?) and I wanted it so bad. I wanted to be the client Cathie gushed over.
If I’m honest, I just wanted to meet her standards at minimum.
So, I sent away my edited manuscript, and held my breath for two weeks waiting for her to read it. Then, she called me.
And told me she stopped after twelve pages.
TWELVE. PAGES.
Remember that quote above, about how it read like an already published novel? Yeah, apparently she’d changed her mind, and the telling and summarizing was still too bad.
Once again, she was unable to read it. Once again, she was sending it back for me to make more edits.
By the way, she made notes on my manuscript this time. And they looked like this:
If that wasn’t enough, here’s another one:
Yeah. Did your heart rate skyrocket? Did you get a little nauseous? Maybe some clammy hands?
I’ll tell you what I did. I sobbed.
After three weeks of an offer period, and two weeks of edit tests before that, I still couldn’t meet Cathie’s expectations. She still couldn’t read my book.
At this moment, I was crushed. I couldn’t see a way forward. I couldn’t see how my book was so “bad” she couldn’t even read it. I was in a full SPIRAL. I knew I was a good writer. I knew I could tell a bad-ass, engaging and compelling story and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t like my book.
(a hindsight note: this is really where our communication and expectations differed. Cathie wanted me to get the manuscript as polished as possible before she read it. I wanted her to read it, and send me a million edit notes, but just read it. I in no way expected her to tell me it was perfect. I did expect her to read more than twelve pages ha).
In all honesty, I drafted an email that voided our contract. I was embarrassed and disappointed and crushed. I was ready to leave my agent I just signed with, and query again, because I truly didn’t see a way forward.
I had poured my heart and soul into those edits and it still wasn’t “good enough.” At that moment, I was ready to say Cathie and I just weren’t a fit, and it was better for my mental health, and hers, to part ways.
But Cathie is at her heart, a mom, and somehow she knew I was unwell. She called me, and we had a generous heart to heart. And, I set a boundary—I wasn’t doing any more edits to the book until she read it all the way to the end.
You see, amidst all the trauma of repeated edits on the same beginning chapters, I still worried she wouldn’t like the book as a whole (cathie note: she had read the synop. I didn’t care). It had created a mental block for me creatively that I didn’t even know how to edit the book going forward. What if I changed something in chapter two? Well, it connected to this part in chapter twelve that Cathie didn’t even know about yet. And, I couldn’t ask her advice because again–she hadn’t read that part yet.
I think Cathie sensed my despair (she later said she did), and respected my request. She agreed to read it to the end, and we’d discuss more after. I wouldn’t have my “magic tingly sparks and butterflies” moment of her gushing over my book (RIP), but I’d have the comfort of knowing she read it and at least liked the story, if not the line-level writing.
After that phone call, I ate a whole tub of chocolate frosting. And decided I was okay being a mid-level author if she’d just like my book (not love), and put it on submission.
I didn’t need her to love it. Just like it.
Then, my spiteful side came back, and I decided I was gonna be the best damn author she’d ever signed. So, while Cathie read my awful manuscript, I went to work on line-level craft.
Shout out to CeCe Lyra and her “Line Level Writing” workshop. I also read a bunch of romance novels by Emily Henry, Carley Fortune, Ali Hazelwood, Christina Lauren etc and dissected every little piece of their books—how did they introduce characters? How did they describe settings? Their use of prose, etc.
I also read this wretched book, and it rewired my brain:
Then, over Christmas break, I rewrote my first chapter from scratch. Every single word. I changed it from past tense to present tense and made it the freakin’ most active, descriptive masterpiece I could.
I sent it to Cathie on January 1, 2024 with a New Year Wish: please let this be the year I finally become good enough.
For those curious, I turned passages like this:
Into passages like this:
And, Cathie loved it. It was exactly what she’d been looking for, and trying to tell me to do. Unfortunately, for me, it meant rewriting every stinkin’ word of that book (fun fact, it bloomed from 90k to 115k and I then had to cut 30k words before submission).
So, in January, I started rewriting MUST LOVE GOATS. There were a lot of times I doubted myself. A lot of mental gymnastics to rewrite the story in a more active voice. When I tell people it literally rewired my brain, I mean it literally.
Rewriting MUST LOVE GOATS meant forgetting every writing rule I had learned as a News Producer, and trusting that this new way (which felt entirely wrong) would finally be the “correct way” that readers (ahem, Catherine) would connect to.
In June (yes, that’s right, five months later), I sent Cathie the finalized version of MUST LOVE GOATS, with the same clammy hands and nauseous stomach I had before. At my core, I’m still the same author sending her a manuscript one month after our contract hoping and begging it meets her approval.
I’m tough. I’m bratty. But I’m also soft and delicate haha.
And thank all the good things in the world, Cathie loved it. It met her expectations. I’m sure she did call and give me a raving review, but I honestly don’t remember it. In my mind, this book will always be my “failure” book. It was the book I learned on. And that’s okay.
Fun fact, I never wrote “THE END” on MUST LOVE GOATS. Cathie did. And I did that on purpose—it was never done until she declared it so.
Maybe some of you are wondering why I didn’t leave Cathie and find a new agent, especially since I had other offers. And it’s because as upset as I got, and as much as I cried (and maybe acted like a brat), I knew Cathie was right. I could do better. I could be better.
I actually have a note on my computer that says: “If you want to go on sub, get to work. If you want to sell to a big 5, do it right.” It was my constant reminder to myself when I wanted to rush through edits that it was better to slow down and really make sure this manuscript shined.
Now, MUST LOVE GOATS is on submission to editors (something that honestly seemed like a pipe dream at times), and I’ve completed my second manuscript and sent it to Cathie. She hasn’t read it yet, but I’m happy to report I did write “THE END” on my second book.
I didn’t need Cathie to tell me it was good enough this time. I could tell myself. And that’s why this whole journey has been worth it to me. I found my confidence in writing, my voice, and the stories I want to tell. I have Cathie to thank for that (don’t tell her I said that).
I know a lot of people enjoy our banter online and love to laugh at the ridiculous, needy client (Cathie will attest I’m actually not) and the sarcastic agent, but that’s just our surface level relationship. I could not be in this industry without Cathie. We have a special relationship, and she’s my biggest champion, even when she tells a room full of people that I’m her bratty, trouble-making author.
We’ve been on a journey, and it was not easy.
So, some advice: don’t ever sign with an agent who only reads five chapters (ha!) Unless it’s Catherine Hedrick-Armstrong.
She’ll make you the writer you’re supposed to be, and keep you in line when you threaten to leave four weeks later.
THE END. <3
-K
PS: Here’s to hoping she approves that second book, or else I might really be looking for new representation (joke).
THIS is the important stuff for querying authors to see. Thanks for sharing!